On October 28th, 2022, I had an OBGYN appointment to check on some weird symptoms I'd been having. I was told I needed a transvaginal ultrasound to find out exactly what was going on. At the ultrasound, the first thing I saw on the screen was the familiar circle that I had seen watching my other three kids grow in utero. It was a gestational sac. As the tech asked me, "Have you taken a pregnancy test?" there was no amount of excitement in me as I could see that this circle was different. It was empty, and no amount of searching was revealing any signs of a fetus. The tech explained this meant that there definitely was a pregnancy at some point but likely would not be developing. The gestational sac measured 8 weeks along, which meant if a baby was going to grow, we would be seeing the baby by now. Then came even more shocking news that I simply had to wait two weeks, come back, and verify that there was not a baby growing.
The next two weeks were weird, sad, slow, and fast. We tried to wrap our minds around what was happening and what this meant, but without knowing more, it was really tough to process. There was a lot of staying busy, numbing, being sad, and trying not to get our hopes up. Finally came the day of the appointment. After lots of waiting, it was simple and expected. Another ultrasound showed the same empty gestational sac and the confirmed diagnosis of a blighted ovum. I asked for the picture this time. Then a follow up appointment right after to discuss what would happen next. I was given the option to take a pill that would make my body miscarry or let it happen naturally. I choose naturally and was told it could takes months for my body to miscarry, but the miscarriage began later that day. I asked a lot of questions to wrap my mind around what had happened and figure out how to process the miscarriage. Because I never saw a baby on the ultrasound, I had a hard time giving myself permission to acknowledge that there was an actual baby present. Leaving that appointment and trying to process everything, I remembered a word a friend had received in prayer and shared with me, that this baby is chosen. It was then I had the peace to finally accept that this was our fourth baby and forever a member of our family. The actual miscarriage happened a few days later on November 18th. It was painful, so sad, so much blood, and then the main part was over. I'm not going to share all the details here, but for anyone facing this same reality who wants to know what it was like, please reach out and I would be glad to share. I was immensely helped by reaching out to a dear friend who shared all the details of her own loss which prepared me for what I would soon face. Because of the nature of this particular miscarriage, I didn't think I would get the chance to see the body of our baby, which I was sad about. But through the miscarriage process, I was able to find our baby. We saved the remains and placed them in my engagement ring box Joshua gave me when he proposed. We will be burying this box in the backyard close to where our other kids play. We'll bury with the box pieces of fabric from my wedding dress. The fabric I saved from the alterations were several pieces of tulle and one plain white silky fabric. As I placed this piece of fabric with the box, I knew immediately the deeper meaning. This is the baptismal garment. We each wear a white garment when we're baptized symbolizing our new life in Christ. We never had the chance to baptize this child, but we send this baby into Heaven adorned with a symbol of new life. We named the baby Hosea Pius. Hosea is a prophet in the Old Testament whose story shows the deep commitment of God's love for us and how He chooses us in the midst of our great brokenness. We've indirectly ended up naming our first three boys' middle names after popes of the Catholic church, so Joshua researched and saw that Pope Pius would be the next name that would make sense. We somewhat joked about it because we knew nothing about any Pope Pius (there's been12), but later that day I listened to a homily by Fr. Mike Schmitz. He told the story about the history of Christ the King Sunday, which is the feast day two days following the day our miscarriage happened. He talked about how Pope Pius XI instituted this fairly new feast day in 1925 to emphasize the importance of obedience to Jesus in the midst of a very turbulent world where Catholicism was being persecuted and outlawed in many places. Fr. Mike also told the story of St. José Sánchez Del Rio, an incredible young boy who stood up courageously for his faith and was martyred at age 14. God has always helped us name our kids, so I took the fact that I had barely even heard of Pope Pius to hearing about him twice in one day as a sign. Hosea is our beloved fourth. Hosea will be our intercessor in Heaven, praying for our family always. We are so blessed to have a soul in Heaven and so heartbroken to lose the chance to raise this baby here in our home on earth. Until Heaven, my dear.
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